The fact of God's help from Tatiana 05.02.2025

Hello, dear ones. I almost couldn’t sleep all night and was reading your testimonials, which inspired me to pray again. Although lately, I’ve been feeling a heaviness in my soul and even some resentment toward God. Today, I want to write about the prayer to the Holy Martyrs Gurias, Samonas, and Abibus, which I have been praying for several years. Soon after I started this prayer, several miracles happened. First, before the prayer, I constantly thought about finding another man and secretly meeting with him, even though I have a husband. I had a strong resentment toward him and felt unappreciated. I believed he didn’t deserve my loyalty. The resentment was so intense that I even considered revenge. I hadn’t read the text of the prayer before ordering it. My first prayer was after I paid for a year of prayers in Bolgar. I was shocked to see that the prayer asked for the punishment of those who betray. I thought, “So, am I asking for punishment for myself?” And now, I couldn’t back out of this prayer. Well, in short, the feelings were unpleasant. But somehow, those thoughts just faded away. Since then, I haven’t thought about other men at all—no looking at websites, no such thoughts. For some reason, I was sure that I needed to restore this marriage. The second miracle was that I found a course for women that teaches various techniques on how to be more feminine, avoid arguments, and build relationships. I learned a lot. People in this course experienced real changes in their lives, and many restored their relationships with their husbands. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen for me, but at least the terrible fights, yelling, and scandals stopped. There was no longer such active hatred between us. Instead, it was replaced by a quiet dislike. Of course, I hoped that my husband would start loving me like others, but that didn’t happen. I consider this a miracle because before this, I had read countless books on relationships, but they didn’t help, while after the prayer, the changes were very noticeable. Well, the relationship improved a bit, and we had a second child. But then everything went downhill again. I was deeply resentful that I got pregnant, feeling that he had done it against my will. I wanted to find a job, move out of this city, but I realized that with a new child, he wouldn’t agree to move, and no job was in sight. Such strong hatred for him arose after all this that I couldn’t overcome it. Of course, he felt it. For the last two years, we’ve practically become strangers, living in different rooms, taking care of the children, but that’s where our communication ends. At the same time, he strongly resists divorce, not because he’s very religious, but because he considers himself decent and fears people’s judgment. During this time apart, I actively worked on myself. I improved my professional skills and am now looking for a job. I took several psychological courses that helped me a lot in other areas of life. But this strong resentment and dislike for him haven’t gone away. Lately, I’ve been feeling that for some reason, God doesn’t want to help me with my marriage. What’s worse is that divorce is very difficult because he will try to take the children, which is terrifying. And he doesn’t want to live together—I’ve talked to him, and he says he wants nothing to do with me. So, I’m really stuck and don’t know what to do. It’s such a terrible situation. Choosing between the risk of losing my children or not having the opportunity to ever build a relationship and continuing to live in this fake, neighborly coexistence. Every day, I ask God to resolve my situation and pray various akathists. But it’s not like God has completely abandoned me. Thanks to my psychological training, I constantly have insights. For example, I realized that I’ve always been in a victim mentality. This is a state where you feel imaginary helplessness and always blame others to avoid responsibility. This was the case in my family and my environment, so naturally, I grew up the same way. Now, I’ve made a two-column table where I write how I act now and how a person not in a victim mentality would act. For example, I blame my husband for not being able to work because of the children, but if I look at it from a position of responsibility, no one forced me to get married or have children. I chose to get married and have children, not to have abortions, because I wanted to please God. So, absolutely everything was my choice; no one forced me. Yet, I want to blame my husband and circumstances. But I chose this life for myself. Filling out this table has helped me a lot with my excessive resentment. Thank God for all this knowledge. He has flooded me with quality information. I also realized that I had put my husband on a pedestal, and after getting married, I practically forgot about God. Formally, I prayed, but my soul was far from Him. For some reason, my husband took up a huge place in my life, while God was somewhere far away. I remember Father Vladimir telling a story about a man who idolized his wife, and everything was terrible between them, but when he realized she was just a human and put God in the right place, everything improved. I think I’m in a similar situation. I also realized that life is short, and no matter what relationships I have here—or maybe none at all—life will end, we’ll grow old and die. But the relationship with God is eternal. And if there’s anything real in this world, it’s God and the spiritual world. So, it’s very foolish to constantly think about worldly things and only 1% of the time about spiritual things. Because everything worldly will end. And this feeling that no matter what happens in this life, the main thing is to come to God, has calmed me down a lot. This only happened after many years of my misfortunes. Maybe without these trials, I would never have reached this point. Maybe God had to keep sending me trials until I reached some important realizations. I had this association that like a sponge being wrung out so hard it tears, God wants to wring out all the sinfulness from me. Sometimes it’s painful, but He is determined to wring it all out, drop by drop. In general, God has sent me many realizations, and despite my situation, I feel joyful somehow. And more at peace than before. It’s as if God transformed not my external life but my internal state. I only saw what was on the surface, but I had no idea about the internal. And He transformed what was inside, something I would never have thought to ask for, of course. One more realization I’ll share is that God probably won’t radically change my life until I confess and take communion in church. I have a strong resentment toward the Church because they refused to baptize my child. I still go sometimes, but I no longer try to talk to the priest like before. I just come, stand during the service, and leave. I haven’t participated in any sacraments for many years; I just don’t feel like doing it. I think it wouldn’t be right for God to fix my life and give me everything I want when I’m not participating in the sacraments. For Him, it’s important that a person is part of the Church. If I’m not part of the Church, and He gives me everything, I’ll never come to the Church because I’ll think everything is fine as it is. Probably, until I do this, He simply can’t give me anything. Although I realized this a long time ago, I still can’t bring myself to go to the sacraments. But now, after writing all this, it’s clearer to me. Thank you for writing your testimonials; they support me so much that words can’t express it. I’d like some way to communicate, but I don’t live in Russia. I don’t know any Orthodox people at all. Thank you, Father Vladimir, for continuing the prayers and the YouTube channel despite everything. For those who have left, this is practically the only way to be part of an Orthodox community. Priests in church talk so little that many questions remain unanswered. Father Vladimir Golovin has filled this gap that has been empty for so long. Of course, I believe every priest should talk and communicate, but not everyone has the energy or wisdom for it. Glory to God for His help and His lessons! The Creator of the world knows what’s needed and does what’s beneficial for us.